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Calling parenting an uneasy task would be the understatement of the century.
It’s complicated. It’s constant and the stakes are sky-high(1).
Some parents can’t stop worrying that they’re gonna mess it up or that their kids gonna have it tough.
According to some statistics though, most parents are confident in their skills.
They’re sure they’ve taught important lessons and instilled good values in their children.
Well, that could be the case, but it also might not be.
We’ve checked with the best psychologists to come up with a list of …
But don’t worry. We’ve also provided some healthy alternatives that’ll help you raise your kids …
When children complain to their parents about something another kid did, parents all too often respond with something like nobody likes a tattletale.
The lesson is “don’t be a snitch” and many parents think that it’s a good rule to follow.
And yeah, it seems admirable to encourage kids to solve their own problems, but that’s not what ends up happening in this case.
Unfortunately, Plus, if a child gets used to keeping secrets from you, it makes it more likely they’ll do the same thing in the future.
Parents should teach their kids to talk openly about unfair or difficult situations and be patient if some of the stories they tell don’t really seem like a big deal through the eyes of an adult.
It’s tough to see a child suffer, whether they’re crying, throwing a tantrum, were expressing any sort of emotional distress, and it’s just too easy to shout: Stop crying or, quit making a scene.
Unfortunately, these types of reactions on the part of parents, cause a great deal of harm to a child.
All you’re doing is addressing the behavior that’s inconveniencing you or making you uncomfortable.
Yelling at them like this tells your child three things:
Kids learn to bottle up their feelings and never express themselves.
This in turn often manifests later in life as uncontrolled anger issues.
A sense of unfulfilled entitlement and even personality disorders.
It’s fine and reasonable to discourage your child from breaking toys or screaming in public.
But if they’re upset, you need to address it in an open and honest way.
Negative emotions need to find a way out or else they overcrowd the nervous system.
A child’s brain is only so capable of processing emotion, so they need your guidance.
Convey to them that their feelings are valid and try to talk them through the issue.
If they’re making a fuss or throwing a tantrum in public, take them to a private, isolated place, away from others.
Spend time with them until their feelings subside.
Who doesn’t want their children to have a peaceful happy life?
and all too often that means getting along with everyone at school.
Why not encourage your child to be nice to everyone?
If you’re not getting any reports from their teacher about arguments or fights with the other kids,
that must be a good sign, right?
If you teach your kids to be nice to absolutely everyone at school,
Then they’ll start thinking that their peers are more important than they are,
and that they need to please their fellow classmates.
This, in turn, opens your kids up to exploitation.
It’s easy to confuse being nice with letting classmates copy their work or even doing their homework for them.
A child should not have to sacrifice their own interests and goals to please others,
and they shouldn’t let anyone force them to do something they don’t want to do.
If other students ask them to copy their work and threaten to stop being their friend,
if they say “no”, encourage your child to say “no”, politely but firmly.
If a child messes up a test or slacks off with their homework,
the prospect of a sad adulthood or flipping burgers for the rest of your life is an easy threat to make.
Of course, good grades are great, and children should be encouraged to work hard in school.
But if a kid associates good grades with success,
they’re in for a rude awakening when they meet an actual road in life.
Like if they don’t get into the college they wanted or they’re turned down for their dream job for instance.
Life’s not always fair,
especially when you’ve worked so hard for your perfect grades, only to be slapped in the face by reality.
It’s easy for an overachiever to think it’s their own fault, they didn’t get the job they wanted.
That it’s something wrong with them, and not that there was simply another more qualified candidate.
Education is important. There’s no arguing that.
But values and knowledge and skills you gain, more than the marks on your report cards.
Plus, even if your child doesn’t get good grades, that doesn’t mean they’re not intelligent.
Dr. Howard Gardner – A researcher at Harvard University, has identified seven distinct types of intelligence.
Standardized tests measure only one kind of logical intelligence, leaving out other forms in which your child might excel.
It’s parents. It’s easy to dote on your children and want to buy them all sorts of toys and presents.
I mean, what’s better than seeing their face light up when they get something new and cool.
According to sociologists, parents in the US are spending more and more on their children every year.
But Ashley Eneris – A mother and financial writer, thinks that parents these days have gone overboard.
She recommends you carefully consider whether something you intend to buy for your children is really necessary or even helpful.
Are you trying to give them something you didn’t have in your childhood?
Are you just trying to buy their affection?
Children who get everything they want, can grow up spoiled and convinced that they deserve more than others.
Saving money doesn’t make you a bad parent.
In fact, financially responsible parents make great role models for the children, who learn the value of money and use it as a tool, not as entertainment.
The occasional present or treat is fine and even necessary for maintaining healthy morale but resist the urge to indulge your child at every turn.
You want to build a relationship with them, based on the little, but also important things in life, like spending quality time together.
Buy things for your kid is not an effective path to winning their long-term affection.
Sure, they’ll like you, but it’ll be for what you can get for them, not for who you are or what you mean to them.
As adults, they’ll see others the same way as tools for their use and benefit.
They might grow up as narcissist or exploiters, which will probably only make them end up alone and miserable.
Yikes, definitely not a pleasant way to live, don’t you think?
For a parent, there are two fundamental responses to a child’s behavior.
They can be broken down into four subcategories.
It’s typically the last one that parents turn to most often when their kid does something that displeases them?
It’s easy to take away their TV privileges,
video games or time spent with friends in response to a bad grade, and there’s always the classic, sending them to bed without dinner when they’ve mouthed off.
Hmm, not really, at least according to the experts.
Psychologists have been saying it for decades, depriving a child of something is not an effective form of punishment.
This is one of the most dangerous features of a toxic parent,
who gets to play judge, jury, and executioner for their kids.
And the rules of the game aren’t always clear since the severity of the punishment often depends on the parent’s mood.
Confiscating something your child loves, teaches them that whoever has power, can do whatever they want.
Plus, going to bed without dinner. That’s just outright cruel.
If your child gets a bad grade or flunks a test that might mean they just need help with a tough subject.
Give them a hand with their homework or hire a tutor.
Pay attention to the child’s behavior and see if it’s really a cry for help.
Hopefully, the whole time they’re doing these chores,
They’ll be thinking about how silly it was to do what they did and decide to never do it again.
The key is to be consistent and fair.
No one wants their kids to be bored, because that’s when they usually get into trouble.
But be wary of signing them up for all sorts of extracurriculars,
or forcing them to join a sports team, when they have no interest whatsoever.
You really don’t need to keep kids busy and entertained around the clock.
and if you try, you may end up doing more harm, than good.
Children who are constantly getting your undivided attention can grow up thinking that they should always get it from others.
They may act out or misbehave in order to get attention and resent people who don’t give it to them.
Plus if you’re sending your kids off…
Provide them with toys, books, and other activities,
but let your child choose how to entertain themselves.
A lot some free me time in their schedule and think of it as a little rest for yourself, the busy parent you are.
Sharing is caring, right?
Well, it is, but to an extent, children who are forced to share something against their will often develop negative associations with sharing.
Especially, if the child considers a request unfair.
This is often the case when a younger child wants to borrow their elder siblings toy, even if they already have their own.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes.
Do you really like giving your personal belongings to other people for however long a time?
Are you sure you don’t feel anxious that your stuff will get broken or ruined? It’s okay. You can be honest.
Children can be very possessive of their belongings.
Even if their silly little toys seem trivial in comparison to stuff adults have, like houses, cars and power tools.
But look at it from their point of view, their silly little things mean a lot to them.
They may attach some special emotional importance to their favorite ball,
and asking them to hand it over to someone else is like asking them to part with their favorite thing in the whole wide world.
Plus, adults attach sentimental feelings to objects to, mind you?
Encourage your children to share their toys while instilling in them a sense of fairness.
If another child wants to borrow the ball, they’re playing with, it’s reasonable for the kids to play with that ball together.
If another kid likes your child’s toy better than their own, maybe they can trade.
It’s also ok for your child to have their own possessions and want to keep them.
If your kid doesn’t learn to say “no” when something’s important to them, you risk them growing up into people pleasers, that stretch themselves out too thin.
Constantly doing favors for others.
Did any of these bad parenting lessons surprise you?
Do you agree or disagree with any of them?
Tell us what you think in the comment section.